Turns out, you suck.

Oh god, what in the world is he complaining about now?

You, you stupid retarded fuck. Not specifically you, but you as a whole humanity.

To start this off, I must say that in no way do I consider myself better than you, I just think you a far worse than me. The same thing? Maybe, but I think that it proves I am better than you that I would say that I'm not, so there! So I must place my top hat, monocle, and sense of righteousness to set the world right! One funny joke, hypocritical statement at a time.

First up: Super fit facebook guy.

You fucking know who you are, at least you should. If you’re questioning whether or not you are this dude, just look at your posts. If more than 50% percent of your posts are about your workout, your diet, or anything fitness related… you’re probably him. If most of your images are of you, shirtless, in a menagerie of poses ranging from “Mirror shirtless muscle pose” to “Shirtless without mirror muscle pose” than you’re definitely this guy.

"I look good, Everyone come see how good i look"

Simply put, you’re a douche. I understand, better than most it seems, that the more time you spend in the gym is a direct coefficient to the amount of hate you have for fat people, and higher self esteem. Yeah, fat people are fat. But you know how many calories reading a FB post burns? Hint: less than the 4 hour gym session you just did, and felt we all needed to know about in detail, with images, narrated in your internal Arnold Schwarzenegger monologue style. Fat people are fat for a reason, and it’s not because they aren’t reading your facebook. I’m sure actually reading your facebook is just making them feel worse about themselves, and they go finding solace in that double size bucket of mint chocolate chip.

Sweet relief

Next up: Fat people.

Hey you fat piece of shit, did you think I would forget about you just because super fit guys are a pain in the ass too??? I’m sure there’s a group of people out there with a medical condition that makes them acquire strange masses of growths on them, but you’re not in that group. Those people look like the elephant man, not perfectly symmetrical balls of fat consuming family sized buckets of KFC. You don’t not have fibromyalgia. Although I won’t go as far as to say that fibromyalgia isn’t real, I’m sure it is. I’m sure out there is someone who for no reasons whatsoever, wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming in terror and pain because their brain makes them feel like scorpions are latched onto their spinal cord. That not you. Your knee pain? It’s because you have 400lbs staked up on that shit. Knees aren’t made for that full time dude. Seriously, Darwin was a pretty smart guy, and I’m sure if being that obese had any sort of physical advantage, you knee’s would be more similar to the Shocks on a Ford F100 than that small, delicate, calcium based hinge they are now.

A medical condition for sure

It not even that hard to stop being fat. For fucks sake you squat 400lbs every time you stand up. You have any idea how hard that is? You know what kind of shape you’re in under all that fat? If you could remove all that fat at once, you’d be a god dammed Olympian. That massive lard filled hammer you call a hand? It’s like curling a 45lb dumbbell every time you take a bite of your twinkee. You probably have glorious biceps under there. Ask one of your fit friends to strap 200lbs to their back them climb a set of stairs. Then laugh when they’re sweating profusely just like you at the top. There’s not much to getting fit. Just stop eating so fucking much. That’s it. You don’t even need much physical exercising because just hauling your own fat ass around is the most extreme workout that can be conceived. Seriously, you can do this.

Next: Religious people.

No, I’m not talking about you MR. or MRS. “I love everybody and don’t use my religion to hurt anyone” person. Sure, you’re an idiot, and that’s your own issue, but I don’t hate you for it. I’m talking about someone who loves god so much, that they must hate people just because some dipshit once thought he heard god say “fuck gay people son” then wrote that shit in a book. It’s a fucking book. Don’t let it be the only thing in your life that matters. Just think if we replaced the bible with the TWILIGHT series. Can you imagine that there would literally be a war between the people who thought that Bella said “I love vampires a lot” and those who thought she said “I have a lot of love for vampires”? Millions of people killed, not because she chose team Edward, or team Jacob… But over the wording of particular passages, and the interpretations people got from them. Here’s an interpretation for you, SHE FUCKING LOVES VAMPIRES ASSHOLE. For fucks sake, who cares how she said it. If the dudes a vamp, she blows em, end of story. Glorious, shining in the sun, vampire boners stabbing her tonsils till the end of time. Without the metaphor this pretty much boils down to where god said to one guy “don’t be a dick” and he went off thinking of all the ways a dick could be, and how not to be one, and wrote that shit in a book. Then years later someone took that book of dickery, change some of the words to penis, cock, balls, schlong. Years after that some assholes tried to take that, and identify all the parts of each dick and penis and cock into their separate parts. Now that many interpretations later, would you use this as a manual to operate on your dick? Didn’t think so. So stop being a dick. It’s that simple. Gay people aren’t stopping you from being happy, your wife not sucking your dick is doing that for you fine. Shut the fuck up, and just stop. God wants you to get a blow job. Seriously, Google that shit.

How can they not tell this is stupid

Lastly: Everyone else.

Just because I’m to lazy to specifically call you out, doesn’t mean your not a douche bag. Shit, I even hate those arrogant asshats who go out making lists of people they hate, while not really even saying anything worth wile, for no reason other than their own edification. Humanity at its whole is full of dingle berries not fit for survival. People who hat based upon ignorance. People who lie, cheat, steal, and murder. People who listen to lady gaga. This shit has to stop. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as social Darwinism. The things that are cool and hip or relevant are controlled by what you see on TV, internet, and magazines. Not just adds, but do you think CNN would cover some bullshit in Iraq if they didn’t think enough people would watch it to stick around through commercials for blueberry hot pockets?

Or whatever the fuck this is...

Ads pay for shit. People buy that shit. The people who make that shit, and shit like it think “let’s make some shit kind of like this and see if people buy that”. Other shit makers copy that shit. That shit needs to be advertized. You see that shit, people talk about that shit, and the word gets around about that shit. The cycle continues. You’re a part of it. Think “I’m too smart to be a part of that shit”? Well you own a computer right? Why did you buy that brand? “I did a competitive analysis of all the products in my price range, and compared the hardware based upon what I needed, and bought the best that I could find”. Where did you read about this hardware? I seriously doubt you got your ole passport out, flew to Bangladesh and walked around the silicone processing plant and compared their mixing machines to those in the Peshawar one. You read that shit online. From a site that most likely received that item for free. You know how that site makes money? Ads motherfucker.

OH SHIT!